This is my first post and its a little dated. I wrote it a couple of weeks ago, before I had figured out how to set up a blog.
3/23/11
It is my anniversary. Five years ago, feeling sick and exhausted, I laid down on my bed for a much needed nap. I had been working a huge number of hours at a physically demanding job. I was stressed, beaten, weary in my very bones. I can't remember if I took a shower before I crawled into bed. I can't remember if I was able to sleep. What I do remember is that I had a huge, painful cold sore; my face was swollen and ugly. I thought to myself "I bet even my lymph nodes are swollen." And with that thought I explored my right underarm. Nothing. But then I checked my breast. I was both shocked and numbed to discover a small lump. It felt exactly like the hard nodules inside the little rubber psydo-breast that my gynocologist always handed me at the end of my annual physical. She'd give me this pink blobby thing and say "here, do a breast exam on this; practice so you'll know what you are looking for on your own body." I would do as she asked, a good, compliant patient but I never dreamed that I would eventually discover its equivalent - a small, pebble hard, roundy lump underneath my still-too-young-to-get-a-mammogram skin.
I couldn't believe it. I felt confused, disoriented, distanced from my body. I wasn't exactly in panic mode. I was holding on to the idea that the lump was some creation related to that disgusting cold sore and that it would go away. And I didn't tell anyone about it right away because I needed to process what was happening in my own mind before I made it even more real by sharing. What I didn't know on that day was that my life had changed forever and that I would be, and am so, grateful for the beautiful path of personal transformation that that little lump set into motion.
